A Recollection of Thoughts

Timestamp: 4:13 AM MNL, Wednesday early morning.

It was the saddest day to date. When I came out from work yesterday morning, the sky was gloomy and it was raining. When I got home no one was around. My gf was already in Leyte. It felt like I was all alone. I turned on the to TV. Eventually turned it off. I turned on the computer. No internet connection. What a day!

I cooked myself something to eat. When I was done, I took a bath and headed for bed. Yet I couldn't sleep. It was still raining outside. I listened to some music. Finally, at around 2:00 PM or so, I passed out.

When I awoke, it saw already 9:10 PM. My clock is ahead by 30 minutes so I did not really panic. I got to the bathroom, did my stuff, got dressed up, and headed for work. I should be in at 10:00 PM.

While I was in the cab, I remembered Marimar. I remembered how stupid I had been all this time. I knew I had no chance but I hoped for the impossible. I knew that there will never be a change of heart but I kept dreaming on - that someday, someone's going to care for me the way that I cared for her.

I found out yesterday that Marimar never felt anything for me. And that if there was really something, we could just go as far as being friends. That was the biggest mistake I did, cause I gave my all in an instant that I left nothing for me. I am shattered into pieces and all I can do is slowly put myself together which will never become whole again. Well that was yesterday. I don't want to live in the past. What matters is today and the day to come.

Yet, something bothered me. Something that may need to be clarified. I know Marimar has something that he hasn't told until now. And I want to know what that is.

I was wondering if she was telling the truth when she said that her bf left her to work somewhere without communicating. It was rather weird for two people deeply in love to just go on without communication. I was wondering where this person really is.

Secondly, she told me of a story that she lost a valuable something (which she said she never did), where she was obliged to pay. The owner of the merchandise was (as per her) threatening that he'd inform her parents should she not pay on the deadline. The weird thing about it is that, she would not want her parents to know. I know parents would understand but her fear was just too much that it may sound unnatural for such a situation. I lent her the money she needed because I believed in her story (even if that means me having to crouch before payday). Yet something's telling me that there is something wrong. I'm just hoping that my allegations are incorrect. Should it be true, it just simply means that she used me and took advantage of my weakness. And I can never forgive her for that.

She feels guilty, I know that she does. I just hope that she's not guilty for taking me for granted. Because if I find out that what I have in mind is true, she better start praying.