A New Hope

In this strange world, you come to know many strange people. Strange enough to make you wonder.

I have been confused for my entire life but never this confused till she came.

There are these times when you are down in the dumps and don't know what to do. Then somebody, just comes from out of nowhere to lift you up.

I was so depressed that day. I found out that my gf has been fooling around all this time without me knowing it. Yup, we live together and that was the sad thing about it. I was always there and she never recognized me. That was enough to let me know that she is no longer interested on me. There was a short fight but then again, we never talked about it after that incident. We never really talk about conflicts. Never.

That wasn't the first incident but that was the worst. She had never touched me in half a year, but she fooled around with somebody else. I feel that I'm just too lax to let it happen. She said sorry and goodbye. The day went, without a word being uttered. The next day, I was ready to fetch her. No questions asked. There was never a word about what happened even until now.

Some people seem to take advantage of your weakness. They take you for granted because they know that they can't refuse you. Howsoever, oppression's got to end.

When feelings die, is it the end? Maybe. How can you fight for someone who isn't even willing to fight for you? You're just wasting your time and effort. You'll soon realize, she wasn't worth all your effort.

So much for the depression it gave me, I decided to visit the chatroom. I thought that it wasn't fair, that doing what she did may have made things better.

"Ping!", he said. "Pong!", I went. Bella, that was her nick. She was the nicest person I have ever talked to. That was my first time to hit the chatroom after a few years. Couldn't care less. She kept me chatting all night. Made me forget the loser I have become.

We exchanged pictures. She gave her name and asked me to call him "Marie" or "Ma". Later found out that her fullname was Marimar. She had that young look, 19 or 20 my guess, but she said she was 22. Dili jud ingon gwapa pero dunay itsura. Ingon pa gani siya nga naa daw kuno ni-comment sa iyang picture nga iyang gihatag nako. Niingon daw ang ni-comment nga mura daw ug artista kuno sa GMA. Ows! Sorry Ma, it has been 2 years nga wala ko katan-aw ug tv. And ABSCBN ra sad ko. hehehe...

In return, I gave her a false name. You know... that was the chatroom. It's never safe to volunteer information. I introduced myself to him as "Franz", short for Francis Mariano. Buot². Wa gani ko kabalo diin na nakong panganla. hehehe. That was what was reflected on my yahoo account. I wanted to edit the information but I just don't know how. I asked for her number, she willingly gave it. And as expected, I did not give mine. Why should I? I got a relationship to fix pa raba. I told her that I was single, a student, 21 years old, not much experience. For a few days, that was all that she knew about me.

After about two days, I decided to contact h through SMS(text gud!). My gf won't be around for two days. She was leaving for Bohol. I asked Marimar to sleep over and sneaked her into the house. She too was leaving for Chalet together with her mountaineering group that night. So she was with me in the morning but left in the afternoon.

Such a talkative person, really fun to talk with. Well that was all because I ask too many questions. I wanted her to remember that I just sneaked her in and tone down her voice. She had a hard time doing so. After finding out that her default was way above the conversational volume, I realized that it was so much for a belowing monster to be encapsulated in a small room.

She came, she went. But left something that kept me thinking all these time. She made me smile. That night, we exchanged text messages. All nonsense messages. The next time you remember it, you'll be amazed how ever you enjoyed non-sense.

The next few days, we were already chatting like almost every night. It was like a shot at the heart, it all came too strong. Was it because I was too depressed and it was her who was there, I have no idea. The more we talk, the more it beats. Forgot my gf. Forgot myself. Didn't realize that I was drifting fast to the point of nowhere. She gave me a new hope.

A few more days, and I was ready to tell her who I really am. Hoping that she won't get angry and understand. I told her everything from my name to my gf. What surprised me most was that when she said that she too had a bf. And that he was away and was hoping he'd return. That alone killed every happy feeling that she instilled on me.

Yet, this growing feeling wouldn't stop. The more I think, the more I feel, the more it hurts.

I was lost. I was confused. I felt like the worst loser the world has ever produced. I hated every moment of my life. I wasn't sure what the next step was.

After like two weeks or so, I gained courage to finally tell her, that I'm falling in love with her. Expecting that she'd reciprocate? Nah... that was all too much for the moment. Yet you can't help but wish there was something as good as that.

We both were commited. What was I thinking?

Yet, I feel stupid to having let it happen. But everything went so swiftly that I did not even see it coming. Crap! I told myself. I am caught in a quicksand.

Funny thing is that I have almost forgotten about my gf. I was all too focused on Marie. We live together but we sleep back to back with an imaginary border in between. When she starts to touch or hug me, I find a way to keep her off me. I have never kissed her even until now. That I swear is 100% true. You know why? It's because I just feel that if I do it, I cheat on Marie. Don't laugh at me 'cause I'm so damn serious and I'm not kidding.

It feels bad to be dumped several times - when you tell her you love her and she tells you she loves somebody else. Well... indirectly she says that to you. She tells you that she is committed. Only implies that she can never accept such an offer. She never said anything like so but what she tells you are implications which when you piece together would be something like what I said earlier. You could only sigh forever. But, what I do not understand is why she was keeping me. Why can't she just let me forget her? Why can't she just let me disappear like nothing happened? If you are bothered, how much more am I.

Confused and lost. I just don't know where to pick myself up. How can I when it's her that I breath?

If you were me, how would you deal this "shitness"? Been considering of letting go and moving on AGAIN. But what if you can't? Come what may?