It feels stupid to force yourself to someone who's doesn't want you. But what's more stupid is when you give up trying. I have been telling her this for the "nth" time. The more she rejects me, the more I feel like a loser.
I have been thinking, what if I too keep myself busy? Would that be a good idea? Will I forget her? Will this ever end?
We were back today at the chatroom. She just came home from her tindahan at Opra. We started out talking about how she was having a bad day. She narrated that she lost something sometime ago and forgot about the damn obligation to pay for it. Now the damned owner is making "singil" and she's cramming for money. I felt bad when she narrated her story. It wasn't her fault anyway. Well at least, that was what she told me. I was hesitant to offer help but her desperation seeped through my heart. What else can I do? After all, I don't think that she's a user.
I offered to lend her half but as we progressed, the guy just desperately needed cash asap. Stupid heart, just gave in. I'll give her the money on Wednesday. I'm sure I'll cut short just before payday. I'm just hoping my gf wouldn't notice what was missing. But for sure, I'd be asking money from her kung ma-short ko! Ayay! But I don't care if she'd notice anyway. Well then, it was settled. So had to change topic.
Back to matters of the heart. I started asking again, why she was keeping me. Why she just couldn't let me go. Indirectly, I directed a situation that we are going through. I started to talk about the parking space - HER parking space. It was empty but was reserved. The word "Reserved" wasn't quite visible so I wasn't quite sure if I can park or not. The owner might smash my car, should she see it parked on her space. I have no insurance so it's hard to just do what I wish. Stupid Marimar said, "ayaw lang na problemaha, naa pa man cya diba?"
Didn't she get it? The guy's got to move on because he lost his parking space. He sees an empty one and would like to know if he can park. If it's not okay, why couldn't she just let him go. Rather than letting him fall in love and eventually fall out of love. That way he wouldn't hope. He wouldn't wait. What better idea than to drive him away, so he could forget and move on.
Can't you see the HURT in me?
I continued asking why? Finally she said, because we were friends and I was a SPECIAL FRIEND. My heart exploded at the instant. Yet I bursted into laughter... sarcastically. Why didn't I know that? Was it because I fell in love all right out before I could finally think?
It wasn't a good conversation. I felt really bad at the end. I should'nt have asked. I'm soooooo.... stupid. A loser I am. And everytime it happens just reminds me of how unfortunate I have been. Even though, this would seem like a hopeless case, I still would want to fight for it. If I get hurt, let it happen. Charge to experience. I'll just deal with it when that time comes.
Besides, hopeless cases are those at the brink of death on hospital beds. Who knows what might happen next. Maybe she would have a change of heart.
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