Timestamp: 4:13 AM MNL, Wednesday early morning.
It was the saddest day to date. When I came out from work yesterday morning, the sky was gloomy and it was raining. When I got home no one was around. My gf was already in Leyte. It felt like I was all alone. I turned on the to TV. Eventually turned it off. I turned on the computer. No internet connection. What a day!
I cooked myself something to eat. When I was done, I took a bath and headed for bed. Yet I couldn't sleep. It was still raining outside. I listened to some music. Finally, at around 2:00 PM or so, I passed out.
When I awoke, it saw already 9:10 PM. My clock is ahead by 30 minutes so I did not really panic. I got to the bathroom, did my stuff, got dressed up, and headed for work. I should be in at 10:00 PM.
While I was in the cab, I remembered Marimar. I remembered how stupid I had been all this time. I knew I had no chance but I hoped for the impossible. I knew that there will never be a change of heart but I kept dreaming on - that someday, someone's going to care for me the way that I cared for her.
I found out yesterday that Marimar never felt anything for me. And that if there was really something, we could just go as far as being friends. That was the biggest mistake I did, cause I gave my all in an instant that I left nothing for me. I am shattered into pieces and all I can do is slowly put myself together which will never become whole again. Well that was yesterday. I don't want to live in the past. What matters is today and the day to come.
Yet, something bothered me. Something that may need to be clarified. I know Marimar has something that he hasn't told until now. And I want to know what that is.
I was wondering if she was telling the truth when she said that her bf left her to work somewhere without communicating. It was rather weird for two people deeply in love to just go on without communication. I was wondering where this person really is.
Secondly, she told me of a story that she lost a valuable something (which she said she never did), where she was obliged to pay. The owner of the merchandise was (as per her) threatening that he'd inform her parents should she not pay on the deadline. The weird thing about it is that, she would not want her parents to know. I know parents would understand but her fear was just too much that it may sound unnatural for such a situation. I lent her the money she needed because I believed in her story (even if that means me having to crouch before payday). Yet something's telling me that there is something wrong. I'm just hoping that my allegations are incorrect. Should it be true, it just simply means that she used me and took advantage of my weakness. And I can never forgive her for that.
She feels guilty, I know that she does. I just hope that she's not guilty for taking me for granted. Because if I find out that what I have in mind is true, she better start praying.
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Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
This is the End!
Timestamp: 3:47 AM MNL, Tuesday early morning.
I just finished talking with Marimar today. And yup she confronted me. That was the meanest thing a person can do. But I have been expecting it. So I was ready when said it to my face.
I asked her, "If I tell you to leave your bf, can you do that for me?" "NO, definitely not! You always new I have built my foundation on my partner." That was her answer. Guess it's settled then. There's no use for this.
This is the end!
I just finished talking with Marimar today. And yup she confronted me. That was the meanest thing a person can do. But I have been expecting it. So I was ready when said it to my face.
I asked her, "If I tell you to leave your bf, can you do that for me?" "NO, definitely not! You always new I have built my foundation on my partner." That was her answer. Guess it's settled then. There's no use for this.
This is the end!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Peace of Mind
Earlier was a rather peaceful day for me. I have found a new diversion. I have been watching "Bleach", a Japanese anime. I'm at episode 12 now. Each episode is at 20-25 minutes. A good way to kill time and forget.
Timestamp: 4:27 AM MNL, Monday early morning.
Marimar is still in Bohol and may be returning early this morning. Don't really know what her plans are but that's what she told me before they left. I have been texting her earlier today just to let her know what I have been doing. She hasn't texted me since they left. I understand. The guy's quite lazy to reload. It was a good sleep.
When I woke up, I received a text message from a "Bella Aladama" via chikka.com. "Gud evening po," that's what it said. At least she's the only person who greets me that way. So even if she uses a different number or name, I know that it's her. I felt a sudden warmth when I read his message. So here I go again.
I sent a message to her mobile to check if it was her. She said yes and that she was still in Bohol. I did not bother to exchange any more messages with her. I said good night right away. I got ready and headed for work.
It wasn't really a pleasant day after all that had happened lately, but that was the best I have had for weeks. It might have been because I got a few things to divert my attention on. I'm quite grateful to "Bleach". I just don't know what happens when I finish all episodes.
I wasn't able to sleep early but a few several things kept me occupied. There wasn't much of an idle time to think and meditate. When I got home, I watched TV. Two hours later, I turned on the computer to re-download games on my phone because I accidentally erased them. At around 2:00PM, I was already sleepy. I took a bath and went to sleep. I woke up not heavy-headed. When I got to work, I continued watching my anime series.
My gf is leaving for Leyte. She would be gone for a week or less. Likewise, I'm looking forward to seeing Marimar. I have been quite curious on what she had wanted to talk about. This may be crying time. So I have made myself ready for what she may be telling me. That may be the last conversation we will have.
The house seemed very lonely now. Ferdz had left the house for good after resigning from work. My gf had also passed her resignation letter and will be leaving for Leyte after the effectivity. Kuya is always not around and so are my two sisters. Everyone seems to be leaving. I feel like I'm all alone.
We were planning of moving to another house. Perhaps at the end of July since there would just be three of us left - my two sisters and I. I hate moving out. I have learned to love the place even though I despised it at first. And I'm not even sure if I'm ready to move on. I just felt that I'd be left alone.
I have long been telling myself that I keep distance from Marimar. Diversion has been working quite well. This could just be the first step. I can do this. Just as Marimar is keeping herself busy to keep her from thinking about her bf. I know I can never win. And I have been hoping for the impossible to happen. This feeling's got to stop. I got to let go.
Timestamp: 4:27 AM MNL, Monday early morning.
Marimar is still in Bohol and may be returning early this morning. Don't really know what her plans are but that's what she told me before they left. I have been texting her earlier today just to let her know what I have been doing. She hasn't texted me since they left. I understand. The guy's quite lazy to reload. It was a good sleep.
When I woke up, I received a text message from a "Bella Aladama" via chikka.com. "Gud evening po," that's what it said. At least she's the only person who greets me that way. So even if she uses a different number or name, I know that it's her. I felt a sudden warmth when I read his message. So here I go again.
I sent a message to her mobile to check if it was her. She said yes and that she was still in Bohol. I did not bother to exchange any more messages with her. I said good night right away. I got ready and headed for work.
It wasn't really a pleasant day after all that had happened lately, but that was the best I have had for weeks. It might have been because I got a few things to divert my attention on. I'm quite grateful to "Bleach". I just don't know what happens when I finish all episodes.
I wasn't able to sleep early but a few several things kept me occupied. There wasn't much of an idle time to think and meditate. When I got home, I watched TV. Two hours later, I turned on the computer to re-download games on my phone because I accidentally erased them. At around 2:00PM, I was already sleepy. I took a bath and went to sleep. I woke up not heavy-headed. When I got to work, I continued watching my anime series.
My gf is leaving for Leyte. She would be gone for a week or less. Likewise, I'm looking forward to seeing Marimar. I have been quite curious on what she had wanted to talk about. This may be crying time. So I have made myself ready for what she may be telling me. That may be the last conversation we will have.
The house seemed very lonely now. Ferdz had left the house for good after resigning from work. My gf had also passed her resignation letter and will be leaving for Leyte after the effectivity. Kuya is always not around and so are my two sisters. Everyone seems to be leaving. I feel like I'm all alone.
We were planning of moving to another house. Perhaps at the end of July since there would just be three of us left - my two sisters and I. I hate moving out. I have learned to love the place even though I despised it at first. And I'm not even sure if I'm ready to move on. I just felt that I'd be left alone.
I have long been telling myself that I keep distance from Marimar. Diversion has been working quite well. This could just be the first step. I can do this. Just as Marimar is keeping herself busy to keep her from thinking about her bf. I know I can never win. And I have been hoping for the impossible to happen. This feeling's got to stop. I got to let go.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Now, I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough they're just in love.
Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough they're just in love.
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough they're just in love.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Yes, it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along!
When you're sad what do you usually do? Ako? I cry. There's no use keeping something that bothers you. Makes you feel bad all the more. I'm feeling quite depressed lately. I just feel like taking a break. Everthing just feels heavy. Everything is bland. And I mean everything.
Marimar is at Bien Unido, Bohol right now. Her grandmother lives there. They must have went to visit her. They left in the afternoon. He would be gone for a day or two.
I found out today that she was a muslim convert. Her bf was a muslim. She must have done so to prove her love for him. Bert, asa ka pa! ANG TANGA-TANGA MO!!! Don't you see that there will never be you and her?
I could hardly get any sleep. My head is about to pop. I'm just so tired that I want to rest, forget about myself, and float in eternity. Yet, I don't want to show people that I'm weak. I'm trying to get a life but I don't know how. Damn, I just couldn't stop crying. Wa na gyud ni kwenta ning kinabuhi-a!
I have my gf but it would seem that she's not there at all. She's around but I don't feel her. It's not that he's left me all blue. It's just that I couldn't stop thinking of Marimar. Like a robot preset to do something, this is what I am set to think. Have I lost my mind? Maybe. I'm just in love.
I feel so lost right now. I always knew that "chat session" was a bad idea. Now, I can only hope I can get over this.
Marimar is at Bien Unido, Bohol right now. Her grandmother lives there. They must have went to visit her. They left in the afternoon. He would be gone for a day or two.
I found out today that she was a muslim convert. Her bf was a muslim. She must have done so to prove her love for him. Bert, asa ka pa! ANG TANGA-TANGA MO!!! Don't you see that there will never be you and her?
I could hardly get any sleep. My head is about to pop. I'm just so tired that I want to rest, forget about myself, and float in eternity. Yet, I don't want to show people that I'm weak. I'm trying to get a life but I don't know how. Damn, I just couldn't stop crying. Wa na gyud ni kwenta ning kinabuhi-a!
I have my gf but it would seem that she's not there at all. She's around but I don't feel her. It's not that he's left me all blue. It's just that I couldn't stop thinking of Marimar. Like a robot preset to do something, this is what I am set to think. Have I lost my mind? Maybe. I'm just in love.
I feel so lost right now. I always knew that "chat session" was a bad idea. Now, I can only hope I can get over this.
Friday, June 23, 2006
"In a sense it's good and for the better!"
I stayed with Marimar yesterday afternoon sa ila tindahan. Stayed for the night kay nahubog naman. I just got home this morning.
It wasn't my intention to bother her today. When I got home, I took a bath and set for bed. I wanted to sleep because I was still dizzy but the thought of her kept me awake. Went out to eat at around 10:30AM. Went back home to finally set myself to sleep because I still have to work at night. At around 1:00PM, I woke up expecting that she texted me. To my dismay, there wasn't any. Not even a missed call. Went back to sleep. 2:00PM, still none. Gave her a miss call. 3:00PM, 4:00PM, 5:00PM, 7:30PM still no sign of her. It was like I had set my body to wake up every hour. 8:30PM, I was getting ready for work. Before I went to the bathroom, I decided to call her. Damn! That warm voice you'd always recognize. Always gives you a lift everytime you hear it. I asked where she had been. She said she was sleeping all those time I was awake. Awkies. That seem to be a valid reason. She told me to drop the call and that we just exchange SMS. They were about to eat.
11:00PM, I was already at work. I sent her a text message checking if she was still awake. She said that she just got home from their tindahan at Opra. I was expecting that she'd sleep there because she had no school the next day. For some reason, she never really explained why she went home. She just asked me back kung di na ba diay kuno siya pwede mouli sa ila. Oh well... It's her house, she should be there on the first place. One thing was quite noticeable about her that night. She wasn't the perky girl I used to know. I asked her if something's wrong. In response she said, I (me) have solved her problem. There's nothing more she should worry about. But she added, she'd like to talk to me on something.
I was quite bothered by the thought that he initiated something quite seroius. I tried to ask her what it was all about. I asked her if it was about the money she borrowed from me. She said that it was something else and told me not to think about it. That gave me butterflies in my stomach. What could it possbly be? Asked her if it's something good or bad. All she said is "In a sense it's good and for the better!"
I'm having a bad feeling about this.
Though I had really hoped she'd tell me about it right away but then, it's always good to talk things out face to face. Before she could answer some of my questions, she had slept. They were set for a family out of town the next day. So I did not bother her anymore. I know she barely gets some sleep. I wanted her to rest.
What she had in mind was something that bothered me the whole shift. Was it something I did wrong the previous day. I could hardly think enough but it makes me feel bad. The more I think, the more conclusions I come up with. Makes me even want to hasten the chance of seeing her again so we can talk.
Marimar, whatever that is, it better be good! I'm keeping my fingers crossed! :-(
It wasn't my intention to bother her today. When I got home, I took a bath and set for bed. I wanted to sleep because I was still dizzy but the thought of her kept me awake. Went out to eat at around 10:30AM. Went back home to finally set myself to sleep because I still have to work at night. At around 1:00PM, I woke up expecting that she texted me. To my dismay, there wasn't any. Not even a missed call. Went back to sleep. 2:00PM, still none. Gave her a miss call. 3:00PM, 4:00PM, 5:00PM, 7:30PM still no sign of her. It was like I had set my body to wake up every hour. 8:30PM, I was getting ready for work. Before I went to the bathroom, I decided to call her. Damn! That warm voice you'd always recognize. Always gives you a lift everytime you hear it. I asked where she had been. She said she was sleeping all those time I was awake. Awkies. That seem to be a valid reason. She told me to drop the call and that we just exchange SMS. They were about to eat.
11:00PM, I was already at work. I sent her a text message checking if she was still awake. She said that she just got home from their tindahan at Opra. I was expecting that she'd sleep there because she had no school the next day. For some reason, she never really explained why she went home. She just asked me back kung di na ba diay kuno siya pwede mouli sa ila. Oh well... It's her house, she should be there on the first place. One thing was quite noticeable about her that night. She wasn't the perky girl I used to know. I asked her if something's wrong. In response she said, I (me) have solved her problem. There's nothing more she should worry about. But she added, she'd like to talk to me on something.
I was quite bothered by the thought that he initiated something quite seroius. I tried to ask her what it was all about. I asked her if it was about the money she borrowed from me. She said that it was something else and told me not to think about it. That gave me butterflies in my stomach. What could it possbly be? Asked her if it's something good or bad. All she said is "In a sense it's good and for the better!"
I'm having a bad feeling about this.
Though I had really hoped she'd tell me about it right away but then, it's always good to talk things out face to face. Before she could answer some of my questions, she had slept. They were set for a family out of town the next day. So I did not bother her anymore. I know she barely gets some sleep. I wanted her to rest.
What she had in mind was something that bothered me the whole shift. Was it something I did wrong the previous day. I could hardly think enough but it makes me feel bad. The more I think, the more conclusions I come up with. Makes me even want to hasten the chance of seeing her again so we can talk.
Marimar, whatever that is, it better be good! I'm keeping my fingers crossed! :-(
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The Parable of the Parking Space
It feels stupid to force yourself to someone who's doesn't want you. But what's more stupid is when you give up trying. I have been telling her this for the "nth" time. The more she rejects me, the more I feel like a loser.
I have been thinking, what if I too keep myself busy? Would that be a good idea? Will I forget her? Will this ever end?
We were back today at the chatroom. She just came home from her tindahan at Opra. We started out talking about how she was having a bad day. She narrated that she lost something sometime ago and forgot about the damn obligation to pay for it. Now the damned owner is making "singil" and she's cramming for money. I felt bad when she narrated her story. It wasn't her fault anyway. Well at least, that was what she told me. I was hesitant to offer help but her desperation seeped through my heart. What else can I do? After all, I don't think that she's a user.
I offered to lend her half but as we progressed, the guy just desperately needed cash asap. Stupid heart, just gave in. I'll give her the money on Wednesday. I'm sure I'll cut short just before payday. I'm just hoping my gf wouldn't notice what was missing. But for sure, I'd be asking money from her kung ma-short ko! Ayay! But I don't care if she'd notice anyway. Well then, it was settled. So had to change topic.
Back to matters of the heart. I started asking again, why she was keeping me. Why she just couldn't let me go. Indirectly, I directed a situation that we are going through. I started to talk about the parking space - HER parking space. It was empty but was reserved. The word "Reserved" wasn't quite visible so I wasn't quite sure if I can park or not. The owner might smash my car, should she see it parked on her space. I have no insurance so it's hard to just do what I wish. Stupid Marimar said, "ayaw lang na problemaha, naa pa man cya diba?"
Didn't she get it? The guy's got to move on because he lost his parking space. He sees an empty one and would like to know if he can park. If it's not okay, why couldn't she just let him go. Rather than letting him fall in love and eventually fall out of love. That way he wouldn't hope. He wouldn't wait. What better idea than to drive him away, so he could forget and move on.
Can't you see the HURT in me?
I continued asking why? Finally she said, because we were friends and I was a SPECIAL FRIEND. My heart exploded at the instant. Yet I bursted into laughter... sarcastically. Why didn't I know that? Was it because I fell in love all right out before I could finally think?
It wasn't a good conversation. I felt really bad at the end. I should'nt have asked. I'm soooooo.... stupid. A loser I am. And everytime it happens just reminds me of how unfortunate I have been. Even though, this would seem like a hopeless case, I still would want to fight for it. If I get hurt, let it happen. Charge to experience. I'll just deal with it when that time comes.
Besides, hopeless cases are those at the brink of death on hospital beds. Who knows what might happen next. Maybe she would have a change of heart.
I have been thinking, what if I too keep myself busy? Would that be a good idea? Will I forget her? Will this ever end?
We were back today at the chatroom. She just came home from her tindahan at Opra. We started out talking about how she was having a bad day. She narrated that she lost something sometime ago and forgot about the damn obligation to pay for it. Now the damned owner is making "singil" and she's cramming for money. I felt bad when she narrated her story. It wasn't her fault anyway. Well at least, that was what she told me. I was hesitant to offer help but her desperation seeped through my heart. What else can I do? After all, I don't think that she's a user.
I offered to lend her half but as we progressed, the guy just desperately needed cash asap. Stupid heart, just gave in. I'll give her the money on Wednesday. I'm sure I'll cut short just before payday. I'm just hoping my gf wouldn't notice what was missing. But for sure, I'd be asking money from her kung ma-short ko! Ayay! But I don't care if she'd notice anyway. Well then, it was settled. So had to change topic.
Back to matters of the heart. I started asking again, why she was keeping me. Why she just couldn't let me go. Indirectly, I directed a situation that we are going through. I started to talk about the parking space - HER parking space. It was empty but was reserved. The word "Reserved" wasn't quite visible so I wasn't quite sure if I can park or not. The owner might smash my car, should she see it parked on her space. I have no insurance so it's hard to just do what I wish. Stupid Marimar said, "ayaw lang na problemaha, naa pa man cya diba?"
Didn't she get it? The guy's got to move on because he lost his parking space. He sees an empty one and would like to know if he can park. If it's not okay, why couldn't she just let him go. Rather than letting him fall in love and eventually fall out of love. That way he wouldn't hope. He wouldn't wait. What better idea than to drive him away, so he could forget and move on.
Can't you see the HURT in me?
I continued asking why? Finally she said, because we were friends and I was a SPECIAL FRIEND. My heart exploded at the instant. Yet I bursted into laughter... sarcastically. Why didn't I know that? Was it because I fell in love all right out before I could finally think?
It wasn't a good conversation. I felt really bad at the end. I should'nt have asked. I'm soooooo.... stupid. A loser I am. And everytime it happens just reminds me of how unfortunate I have been. Even though, this would seem like a hopeless case, I still would want to fight for it. If I get hurt, let it happen. Charge to experience. I'll just deal with it when that time comes.
Besides, hopeless cases are those at the brink of death on hospital beds. Who knows what might happen next. Maybe she would have a change of heart.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
A New Hope
In this strange world, you come to know many strange people. Strange enough to make you wonder.
I have been confused for my entire life but never this confused till she came.
There are these times when you are down in the dumps and don't know what to do. Then somebody, just comes from out of nowhere to lift you up.
I was so depressed that day. I found out that my gf has been fooling around all this time without me knowing it. Yup, we live together and that was the sad thing about it. I was always there and she never recognized me. That was enough to let me know that she is no longer interested on me. There was a short fight but then again, we never talked about it after that incident. We never really talk about conflicts. Never.
That wasn't the first incident but that was the worst. She had never touched me in half a year, but she fooled around with somebody else. I feel that I'm just too lax to let it happen. She said sorry and goodbye. The day went, without a word being uttered. The next day, I was ready to fetch her. No questions asked. There was never a word about what happened even until now.
Some people seem to take advantage of your weakness. They take you for granted because they know that they can't refuse you. Howsoever, oppression's got to end.
When feelings die, is it the end? Maybe. How can you fight for someone who isn't even willing to fight for you? You're just wasting your time and effort. You'll soon realize, she wasn't worth all your effort.
So much for the depression it gave me, I decided to visit the chatroom. I thought that it wasn't fair, that doing what she did may have made things better.
"Ping!", he said. "Pong!", I went. Bella, that was her nick. She was the nicest person I have ever talked to. That was my first time to hit the chatroom after a few years. Couldn't care less. She kept me chatting all night. Made me forget the loser I have become.
We exchanged pictures. She gave her name and asked me to call him "Marie" or "Ma". Later found out that her fullname was Marimar. She had that young look, 19 or 20 my guess, but she said she was 22. Dili jud ingon gwapa pero dunay itsura. Ingon pa gani siya nga naa daw kuno ni-comment sa iyang picture nga iyang gihatag nako. Niingon daw ang ni-comment nga mura daw ug artista kuno sa GMA. Ows! Sorry Ma, it has been 2 years nga wala ko katan-aw ug tv. And ABSCBN ra sad ko. hehehe...
In return, I gave her a false name. You know... that was the chatroom. It's never safe to volunteer information. I introduced myself to him as "Franz", short for Francis Mariano. Buot². Wa gani ko kabalo diin na nakong panganla. hehehe. That was what was reflected on my yahoo account. I wanted to edit the information but I just don't know how. I asked for her number, she willingly gave it. And as expected, I did not give mine. Why should I? I got a relationship to fix pa raba. I told her that I was single, a student, 21 years old, not much experience. For a few days, that was all that she knew about me.
After about two days, I decided to contact h through SMS(text gud!). My gf won't be around for two days. She was leaving for Bohol. I asked Marimar to sleep over and sneaked her into the house. She too was leaving for Chalet together with her mountaineering group that night. So she was with me in the morning but left in the afternoon.
Such a talkative person, really fun to talk with. Well that was all because I ask too many questions. I wanted her to remember that I just sneaked her in and tone down her voice. She had a hard time doing so. After finding out that her default was way above the conversational volume, I realized that it was so much for a belowing monster to be encapsulated in a small room.
She came, she went. But left something that kept me thinking all these time. She made me smile. That night, we exchanged text messages. All nonsense messages. The next time you remember it, you'll be amazed how ever you enjoyed non-sense.
The next few days, we were already chatting like almost every night. It was like a shot at the heart, it all came too strong. Was it because I was too depressed and it was her who was there, I have no idea. The more we talk, the more it beats. Forgot my gf. Forgot myself. Didn't realize that I was drifting fast to the point of nowhere. She gave me a new hope.
A few more days, and I was ready to tell her who I really am. Hoping that she won't get angry and understand. I told her everything from my name to my gf. What surprised me most was that when she said that she too had a bf. And that he was away and was hoping he'd return. That alone killed every happy feeling that she instilled on me.
Yet, this growing feeling wouldn't stop. The more I think, the more I feel, the more it hurts.
I was lost. I was confused. I felt like the worst loser the world has ever produced. I hated every moment of my life. I wasn't sure what the next step was.
After like two weeks or so, I gained courage to finally tell her, that I'm falling in love with her. Expecting that she'd reciprocate? Nah... that was all too much for the moment. Yet you can't help but wish there was something as good as that.
We both were commited. What was I thinking?
Yet, I feel stupid to having let it happen. But everything went so swiftly that I did not even see it coming. Crap! I told myself. I am caught in a quicksand.
Funny thing is that I have almost forgotten about my gf. I was all too focused on Marie. We live together but we sleep back to back with an imaginary border in between. When she starts to touch or hug me, I find a way to keep her off me. I have never kissed her even until now. That I swear is 100% true. You know why? It's because I just feel that if I do it, I cheat on Marie. Don't laugh at me 'cause I'm so damn serious and I'm not kidding.
It feels bad to be dumped several times - when you tell her you love her and she tells you she loves somebody else. Well... indirectly she says that to you. She tells you that she is committed. Only implies that she can never accept such an offer. She never said anything like so but what she tells you are implications which when you piece together would be something like what I said earlier. You could only sigh forever. But, what I do not understand is why she was keeping me. Why can't she just let me forget her? Why can't she just let me disappear like nothing happened? If you are bothered, how much more am I.
Confused and lost. I just don't know where to pick myself up. How can I when it's her that I breath?
If you were me, how would you deal this "shitness"? Been considering of letting go and moving on AGAIN. But what if you can't? Come what may?
I have been confused for my entire life but never this confused till she came.
There are these times when you are down in the dumps and don't know what to do. Then somebody, just comes from out of nowhere to lift you up.
I was so depressed that day. I found out that my gf has been fooling around all this time without me knowing it. Yup, we live together and that was the sad thing about it. I was always there and she never recognized me. That was enough to let me know that she is no longer interested on me. There was a short fight but then again, we never talked about it after that incident. We never really talk about conflicts. Never.
That wasn't the first incident but that was the worst. She had never touched me in half a year, but she fooled around with somebody else. I feel that I'm just too lax to let it happen. She said sorry and goodbye. The day went, without a word being uttered. The next day, I was ready to fetch her. No questions asked. There was never a word about what happened even until now.
Some people seem to take advantage of your weakness. They take you for granted because they know that they can't refuse you. Howsoever, oppression's got to end.
When feelings die, is it the end? Maybe. How can you fight for someone who isn't even willing to fight for you? You're just wasting your time and effort. You'll soon realize, she wasn't worth all your effort.
So much for the depression it gave me, I decided to visit the chatroom. I thought that it wasn't fair, that doing what she did may have made things better.
"Ping!", he said. "Pong!", I went. Bella, that was her nick. She was the nicest person I have ever talked to. That was my first time to hit the chatroom after a few years. Couldn't care less. She kept me chatting all night. Made me forget the loser I have become.
We exchanged pictures. She gave her name and asked me to call him "Marie" or "Ma". Later found out that her fullname was Marimar. She had that young look, 19 or 20 my guess, but she said she was 22. Dili jud ingon gwapa pero dunay itsura. Ingon pa gani siya nga naa daw kuno ni-comment sa iyang picture nga iyang gihatag nako. Niingon daw ang ni-comment nga mura daw ug artista kuno sa GMA. Ows! Sorry Ma, it has been 2 years nga wala ko katan-aw ug tv. And ABSCBN ra sad ko. hehehe...
In return, I gave her a false name. You know... that was the chatroom. It's never safe to volunteer information. I introduced myself to him as "Franz", short for Francis Mariano. Buot². Wa gani ko kabalo diin na nakong panganla. hehehe. That was what was reflected on my yahoo account. I wanted to edit the information but I just don't know how. I asked for her number, she willingly gave it. And as expected, I did not give mine. Why should I? I got a relationship to fix pa raba. I told her that I was single, a student, 21 years old, not much experience. For a few days, that was all that she knew about me.
After about two days, I decided to contact h through SMS(text gud!). My gf won't be around for two days. She was leaving for Bohol. I asked Marimar to sleep over and sneaked her into the house. She too was leaving for Chalet together with her mountaineering group that night. So she was with me in the morning but left in the afternoon.
Such a talkative person, really fun to talk with. Well that was all because I ask too many questions. I wanted her to remember that I just sneaked her in and tone down her voice. She had a hard time doing so. After finding out that her default was way above the conversational volume, I realized that it was so much for a belowing monster to be encapsulated in a small room.
She came, she went. But left something that kept me thinking all these time. She made me smile. That night, we exchanged text messages. All nonsense messages. The next time you remember it, you'll be amazed how ever you enjoyed non-sense.
The next few days, we were already chatting like almost every night. It was like a shot at the heart, it all came too strong. Was it because I was too depressed and it was her who was there, I have no idea. The more we talk, the more it beats. Forgot my gf. Forgot myself. Didn't realize that I was drifting fast to the point of nowhere. She gave me a new hope.
A few more days, and I was ready to tell her who I really am. Hoping that she won't get angry and understand. I told her everything from my name to my gf. What surprised me most was that when she said that she too had a bf. And that he was away and was hoping he'd return. That alone killed every happy feeling that she instilled on me.
Yet, this growing feeling wouldn't stop. The more I think, the more I feel, the more it hurts.
I was lost. I was confused. I felt like the worst loser the world has ever produced. I hated every moment of my life. I wasn't sure what the next step was.
After like two weeks or so, I gained courage to finally tell her, that I'm falling in love with her. Expecting that she'd reciprocate? Nah... that was all too much for the moment. Yet you can't help but wish there was something as good as that.
We both were commited. What was I thinking?
Yet, I feel stupid to having let it happen. But everything went so swiftly that I did not even see it coming. Crap! I told myself. I am caught in a quicksand.
Funny thing is that I have almost forgotten about my gf. I was all too focused on Marie. We live together but we sleep back to back with an imaginary border in between. When she starts to touch or hug me, I find a way to keep her off me. I have never kissed her even until now. That I swear is 100% true. You know why? It's because I just feel that if I do it, I cheat on Marie. Don't laugh at me 'cause I'm so damn serious and I'm not kidding.
It feels bad to be dumped several times - when you tell her you love her and she tells you she loves somebody else. Well... indirectly she says that to you. She tells you that she is committed. Only implies that she can never accept such an offer. She never said anything like so but what she tells you are implications which when you piece together would be something like what I said earlier. You could only sigh forever. But, what I do not understand is why she was keeping me. Why can't she just let me forget her? Why can't she just let me disappear like nothing happened? If you are bothered, how much more am I.
Confused and lost. I just don't know where to pick myself up. How can I when it's her that I breath?
If you were me, how would you deal this "shitness"? Been considering of letting go and moving on AGAIN. But what if you can't? Come what may?
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